If I were to drink…

If I were to fall back and drink again, today would be the day. It isn’t very often that I find myself wanting a drink every since I quit, and every now and then I find myself thinking, “I just wish I could take something to make me feel better.”

This semester has been hard emotionally academically for me. Taking Calculus and Accounting together with a Geology course that assumes you are majoring in Geology do not go together. But I feel that I have prevailed, though grades are not in yet. I’ve slacked off, but only enough to put a fire under me when I needed to.

I started a job as a Recovery Advocate and I love it. One would think that the clients would be what stressed and wore me out. Instead, it’s the staff. Because you are “white” or “blond” or “pretty” or “educated” or “moving up” they have the right to judge you and be snotty. Now I understand, I’m in a business where I am surrounded by nothing but alcoholics and addicts. Some of us just happen to be clean. But the mentality is still there. The selfishness inside that cries out “ME ME ME, NOTICE ME” is still there. It is a struggle. I’m also looked poorly on because I don’t “need” my job or to work, so they know I am different and do this job for LITTLE pay because I love it. I actually care about the client and not a paycheck! Though getting paid is nice.

I feel like when I was depressed, felt ugly, and all emo that I was liked more; but now I am realizing it was because I was not a threat to someone. Now that I am different, I feel like people don’t like me for any number of reasons mentioned above.

I remember last semester when I was in the Psi Chi office, a group of us were stitting around and just talking about life. When I mentioned recent struggles and feelings of depression, this girl turns to me and says, “Why are you depressed, you are tall, thin, and beautiful.” HAHAHA! If only that were the key to happiness! I find sometimes that the worlds prettiest people are the most miserable for a number of reasons.

I wish I could drag myself out to an AA meeting, but I have to study, and even more importantly, the Rockets are playing the 6th game in the first round playoff series and I just can’t get enough. Guess we know where my priorities are. Maybe I just don’t like accepting that I am not completely self-sufficient and that I actually do need the help and support of others. That is a weakness, and one that can lead me to a relapse if not put in check!

It’s nice when everyone thinks that you are so strong and that you have it all together. People think “man she must be blessed or living right,” and deep inside I’m thinking about the mess I’ve gotten my life into. What happens when you have no one to run too because everyone thinks that you are so strong. FOr me, I found my counseling at the bottom of a bottle, a very expensive coulselor I might add. And i don’t just mean monetarily. I could and would lose it all, Sid included. Then where would I be? He is the stable thing that I can physically touch. God being unchangeable is my rock, but sometimes it’s hard to find Him, or hear HIM. Most of the time I don’t want to.

I had to fire a guy that I was going to use as a Producer because his rates were exhorbant compared to the quality. He was charging me like someone who’d had more than 10 years experience. I thought about disputing charges since I DID not get the product I thought I was buying, but I decided not to because his wife is pregnant and she is almost due. If he were single and childless I would:(  Guess I couldn’t live with the guilt of ruining someone’s experience of childbirth because they were worried about the bills.

Anyways, guess I had a lot to write about. Maybe I’ll write a song:)

Sums it all up

“He reached to hold what cannot be held, what already ran among the mountains at once terrible and of a great beauty, like flowers that feed on flesh. What blood and bone are made of but can themselves not make on any alter nor by any wound of war. What we may well believe has power to cut and shape and hollow out the dark form of the world surely if wind can, if rain can. But which cannot be held never be held and is no flower but is swift and a huntress and the wind itself is in terror of it and the world cannot lose it.”
~Cormac McCarthy in “The Crossing”